Jensen Humour


Often to own a Jensen one needs a sense of humour. Here are a few offerings from members of the Jensen-cars mailing list.

The winner of our acronym contest by Dan Crowley.

Joyously

Exudes

Natural

Style

Elegance and

Noise

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU BOUGHT A JENSEN HEALEY according to John Petryschuk

1. Be prepared to answer a lot of what is it questions , may be easier to tell people its 240Z convertible., or that you that you chopper a Triumph and a slant nose Porsche together and this is what you got, since you have no motor you use the hole in the floor to move it.

2. become a AJO member, its worth it just so you don't feel so all alone, they also have a list of parts suppliers you will need. Buy the work shop manual.

3. don't start the car till you have replaced the timing belt and original plastic fuel T.(changing the oil, installing new plugs, points, take off wheels inspect brakes replace wheels and torque nuts to spec.,flush rad. check steering knuckle snaking through headers, check belts, hoses all fluid levels, these thing should be done on any used car but esp. a J-H.)

4. check the gas tank for holes from rust caused by a poor fuel filler seal and the special rust catalyst padding installed at the factory.

5. if the car wont start and you have compression and spark ,check the points on the fuel pump in the trunk.

6. check for leaking cam covers, use orange Locktite, Sealloc washers, retap your holes, torque to specs, and or talk to Bruce Madden and by some custom gaskets from him.

7. Jensen Healeys came with Strombergs in North America for bolts hold down the top, remove these check to see that there is a spring under this cap, the diaphragm here should not have any cracks or holes, reset the metering needle to spec. reset the butterfly valve, and refill the pots with light oil or trans. fluid, or just rebuild the carbs.

8. call whom ever you bought it from and ask if he/she found the rest of the original parts they said they had somewhere, also ask for back issues of the White Lady.

9. bleed the brakes, the fronts are from a TR6 for the rears call Delta.

10. read the top 10 list of what to do before you buy a Jensen Healey.

Top 10 Jensen-Healey modifications, by jp Great White Lady North.

1. Switching to Getrag 5 spd box from 4 spd. Not a good idea since 5th is not an overdrive, but you do get to change one gear and that can be a lot of fun if you're not in a hurry and you like to clutch.

2. Switching to Dellorto carbs is very common and seems to give more power, but make sure you use the 45s. Try being creative and switch to Nitrous, or Propane or if you live in Calif. try putting a Lucas motor on each wheel and go electric.

3. Change to racing seats or Recaros. If you do this and race, the Marshall will just add another sand bag on your car cause no car can compete with a Jensen Healey and its formula jr. racing motor. (that's the truth)

4. Change the Motorola radio to a Jensen. I would do this but it's the only part I know of that's made in Canada on a Jensen Healey. We don't all want to separate. Some of us are still proud to live in a commonwealth. I just wish they would move it further South.

5. Adding air conditioning. Some had this option. its guaranteed to make your car slower and be one more thing to fix, I have it on one of my cars and it will put a couple of neat switches on you dash. Its also useful when you have your heat on max. because the engine is too hot.

6. Adding an air scoop or dam. This is the best thing I've done. It brings air up to the rad and cools the engine bay. One I bought from Delta, the second I made from a scrap piece of aluminum siding. The one made from aluminum siding looks better and doesn't rattle as much but both keep the engine much cooler. OR you could just take off the front bumper.

7. Adding an overdrive unit to the 4 spd giving you 3rd and 4th gear overdrive thus a 6 spd. like a Corvette. The overdrive unit is from a Sunbeam Rapier. When is the last time you saw one of those in a local North American wrecking yard? This is great if you live on a small island but then again maybe not.

8. Changing tire size and or rims.

9. Adding ABS for people who don't know how to break without them. What made the government and insurance companies think it would make us smarter?

10. This is my favorite, swapping the heart of the beast (the motor) for something else like a Rover 3500, or a turbo 3800 GM. Both have been done but why stop there? Why not a 426 Hemi, or 440 six pack or the Corvette LT1 (my brother in law had a '71 LT1 vette, all three motors that thing had blew more smoke then Bruce Stewart working on Pegs J-H).

Top 10 reasons why I own a Jensen Interceptor according to Mitchell Schwartz

10. I like the smell of rotting carpet.

9. I love doors that won't stay open.

8. I own stock in an antifreeze company.

7. I own stock in a power steering fluid company.

6. I own stock in an oil company.

5. I own stock in a battery company.

4. I own stock in a fuse company.

3. I like drivng cars only in cold weather.

2. Perfection makes me sick.

1. I like meeting tow truck drivers.

What is the difference between your Interceptor and your wife?

If you had to, you could sell your wife!

The Jensen Restoration Toolkit

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER:

See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:

Once used for working on 541's, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering the Interceptor to the ground after you have changed the spark plugs and trapping the jack handle firmly under the exhaust system and cracking the exhaust manifold.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:

Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS:

A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE:

Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT:

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:

A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT:

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in West Bromwich, and rounds them off.


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